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JOKES JOKES JOKES
10-18-2011, 04:26 PM,
#1
JOKES JOKES JOKES
WE ALL HAVE A FEW, AND THIS THREAD HASN'T BEEN ON HERE FOR A WHILE, SO LET'S HAVE YOUR BEST RIB TICKLER OR GUT BUSTER...

God knows we all need a good laugh these days... I will even go first...

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his, or
her last day of life..

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was
dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew
she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began
bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall
was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point
the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to
grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot
came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help
but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this antique cedar chest....."

.
https://sputinc7.wixsite.com/covwc

I didn't do it.   But, if I did do it, it was an accident! Angel

if you lose your head and give up, you niether live nor win. that's just the way it is.
 Exclamation
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10-24-2011, 04:13 AM,
#2
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
made me smile
jimmy
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10-24-2011, 06:28 AM,
#3
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
not me. same thing happened to my uncle.
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10-25-2011, 06:53 PM, (This post was last modified: 10-25-2011, 06:54 PM by pachyderm I.)
#4
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
We were at a nightclub last week and the DJ said to us that we had to do exactly what each song told me to.
The first song that came on was called jump. So there I was jumping away for the entire song. Easy.
The next song he played was called Twist. There I was again, twisting for the entirety of the song. No problem.

The next song he played was come on Eileen.

He threw me out Dodgy
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10-30-2011, 07:22 PM,
#5
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

.
https://sputinc7.wixsite.com/covwc

I didn't do it.   But, if I did do it, it was an accident! Angel

if you lose your head and give up, you niether live nor win. that's just the way it is.
 Exclamation
Reply
10-31-2011, 08:24 PM,
#6
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Not exactly a joke....but very laugh worthy! Big Grin Tongue Big Grin





Gotta love Wallace & Gromit! Heart
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations and articulating your superficial sentimentalities, amicable, philosophical and psychological observations...beware of platitude misponderosities!
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11-01-2011, 08:22 PM,
#7
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Eileen was asking for it!!!

5 year old's first job

Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some builders that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant block.

One day, a team of builders turned up to start building a house on the
empty block.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the builders adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at
such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real building team on the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those pricks at Bunnings ever deliver
the fuckin' gyprock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye
How the hell you supposed to sign a screen
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11-08-2011, 08:39 AM,
#8
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Just got this in an e-mail (it'll tell you how sick my friends are!):
The World's Shortest Psychiatric Joke:
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
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11-09-2011, 10:14 AM,
#9
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)




"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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11-09-2011, 12:07 PM,
#10
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Lame next to the Zorro one but here you go....

A woman went to her husband to ask if he could fix the refrigerator. He was on the sofa and said "Hell-oooo, do I look like Maytag?"
Then she asked for the front door hinge to be fixed and he said "Hell-oooo, do I look like Home Depot?"
Finally, she needed the oil changed on the car and he said "Hell-oooo, do I look like General Motors?"

The next day the husband returned home from work to find the refrigerator, the door, and the car all fixed. The husband asked who did it. His wife said
"Well a nice handy man came by and offered to fix everything. When I asked how much, he said "Nothing but you can either bake me a cake or have sex with me for payment."
The husband asked "Well what did you do?"

She said "Hell-oooo, do I look like Sara Lee????"
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11-16-2011, 09:56 AM,
#11
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

.
https://sputinc7.wixsite.com/covwc

I didn't do it.   But, if I did do it, it was an accident! Angel

if you lose your head and give up, you niether live nor win. that's just the way it is.
 Exclamation
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11-17-2011, 12:14 PM,
#12
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Would You Marry Again?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"$hit."


(funny side note: in the joke I wrote out the word 'shi*' and this website automatically changed it to "Rick Nielsen" - too funny! I wonder if Rick knows?!)
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11-18-2011, 05:21 AM,
#13
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(11-17-2011, 12:14 PM)1955Meg Wrote: (funny side note: in the joke I wrote out the word 'shi*' and this website automatically changed it to "Rick Nielsen" - too funny! I wonder if Rick knows?!)

I made that same comment in a different post. Can't remember where it was though. I was hoping different swear words would be replaced with different band member's names, but they only change to Rick.
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11-18-2011, 08:34 AM,
#14
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
So...
The Shi- word becomes Rick Nielsen
The F word becomes LOOK, I'M SWEARING!
The Dam word becomes damn
The Hel word becomes hell
The 'B' word becomes bitch
The male "B' word becomes bastard
...I wonder what it does with nasty words for 'private parts'??
Hmmmm. So, some of the words go through untouched.
(more experimentation needed...)
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11-18-2011, 08:41 AM, (This post was last modified: 11-18-2011, 08:58 AM by radiolover.)
#15
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
so, if i said you are full of rick nielsen, you couldn't be sure what i typed?
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial , a southern small-town prosecuting called his first witness, a grandmotherly , elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, " why, yes I do know you , Mr Williams. I have known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you have been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two bit pencil- pusher. Yes, I do know you "

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "

She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked the counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said :

"if either of you two idiots asks her if she knows me, I will send you both to the electric chair"

.
https://sputinc7.wixsite.com/covwc

I didn't do it.   But, if I did do it, it was an accident! Angel

if you lose your head and give up, you niether live nor win. that's just the way it is.
 Exclamation
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