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JOKES JOKES JOKES
11-18-2011, 01:05 PM, (This post was last modified: 11-18-2011, 01:07 PM by PEBA.)
#16
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(11-18-2011, 08:34 AM)1955Meg Wrote: So...
The Shi- word becomes Rick Nielsen
The F word becomes Rick Nielsen
The Dam word becomes damn
The Hel word becomes hell
The 'B' word becomes bitch
The male "B' word becomes bastard
...I wonder what it does with nasty words for 'private parts'??
Hmmmm. So, some of the words go through untouched.
(more experimentation needed...)

a$$hole doesn't change when spelled correctly
the c word that everyone hates changes to Rick Nielsen
Gay slur beginning with an f stays the same
slang for both the male and female parts stays the same
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11-22-2011, 02:27 PM,
#17
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPIE OUT AND TOLD ME,
"ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."
Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"
HE REPLIED,
"VET? I'M SOAKED!"


.
https://sputinc7.wixsite.com/covwc

I didn't do it.   But, if I did do it, it was an accident! Angel

if you lose your head and give up, you niether live nor win. that's just the way it is.
 Exclamation
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12-01-2011, 10:21 AM,
#18
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES


The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"



.
https://sputinc7.wixsite.com/covwc

I didn't do it.   But, if I did do it, it was an accident! Angel

if you lose your head and give up, you niether live nor win. that's just the way it is.
 Exclamation
Reply
12-01-2011, 08:25 PM,
#19
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
LOL! These jokes are great!

And Peba - you apparently have tooo much time on your hands! (:
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12-01-2011, 10:33 PM,
#20
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(12-01-2011, 08:25 PM)1955Meg Wrote: LOL! These jokes are great!

And Peba - you apprarently have tooo much time on your hands! (:

Sure do! Big Grin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XcKBmdfpWs&ob=av3e
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12-01-2011, 11:34 PM,
#21
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Four married gentlemen happily went golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:

First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy :
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block."
How the hell you supposed to sign a screen
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01-01-2012, 07:52 PM,
#22
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
I am shocked my VERY Catholic friend just sent this to me. I think it's hilarious! It's titled, Catholic Morning Coffee in Rome:

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38 D BREAST
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God
Tongue
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01-06-2012, 04:39 AM,
#23
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
This joke might put a crimp in your corset.

Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?"
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied.
After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
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01-06-2012, 05:53 PM,
#24
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(01-06-2012, 04:39 AM)SallyLovesCheapTrick! Wrote: This joke might put a crimp in your corset.

Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?"
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied.
After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.


Nice one, Sally! No crimp in the corset...bring it on! Wink
I just remembered, I've got a picture of us from the House of Blues. I'll send as soon as I can.
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01-06-2012, 06:03 PM,
#25
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
I agree with Schlichtl nice one Sally,got anymore jokes about Englishmen? Big Grin
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01-06-2012, 08:51 PM, (This post was last modified: 01-07-2012, 11:01 AM by SallyLovesCheapTrick!.)
#26
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
This one's Irish. (and I look forward to the picture, L.):

Man walks into a pub with an emu and a cat, steps up to the bar and orders a pint.

"I'll have a pint, as well," says the emu. "I'll have a half-pint, but I'm not paying!" says the cat.

The barman serves them, and says, "That'll be 9 pounds 50."

The man reaches in his pocket, and hands him exact change.

The next day, the man appears with his two animal companions again, and orders a glass of whiskey.

"I'll have a glass of whiskey, too," says the emu. "I'll have a half glass, and I'm not paying!" says the cat. The barman serves them, and says, "That'll be 12 pounds 75." The man reaches in his pocket, and, without even looking, hands him exact change. The barman comments on his always having exact change, and the man heaves a big sigh. The barman asks him what the matter can be.

"Well, I found this old lamp, you see, and as I was cleaning it up, out pops a genie. So, my first wish was that I would always have exactly the right amount of money to pay for anything I wanted."

"Very clever, you're better off than asking for a million quid, or such like--you're never broke. But I thought the old gag was that you always get three wishes."

"Yes, well, you do, but the genie was rather dense. He thought my second wish was two."

"What did you ask for?"

"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy.
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01-06-2012, 09:52 PM,
#27
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
That is why the wise Don Miguel Ruiz says, "Be impeccable with your word"! Wink
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01-07-2012, 09:04 PM,
#28
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(I've heard this one before, but I found it while looking for the emu joke)

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks 'So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?'
The pirate replies 'We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.'
'Wow!' said the seaman. 'What about your hook'?
'Well', replied the pirate, 'We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.'
'Incredible!' remarked the seaman. 'How did you get the eye patch'?
'A seagull dropping fell into my eye.', replied the pirate.
'You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?' the sailor asked incredulously.
'Well', said the pirate, 'it was my first day with the hook.'
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01-11-2012, 06:30 AM,
#29
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 30," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 30".
"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and I am virtually blind. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one else around, the man lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"


The old lady replies, "I stood behind you at McDonalds." Big Grin

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01-11-2012, 07:25 AM,
#30
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
lol.lol.lol.
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