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JOKES JOKES JOKES
02-05-2012, 09:15 AM,
#46
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
spooning...?
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02-05-2012, 08:14 PM,
#47
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(02-05-2012, 09:15 AM)pachyderm I Wrote: spooning...?

Loving spoonfull, 10CC etc
How the hell you supposed to sign a screen
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02-05-2012, 10:20 PM,
#48
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
LOL...too funny. Yes, I have a boy brain.
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02-06-2012, 01:06 PM,
#49
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Gag me with a spoon!
This practice is wide-spread all over the UK apparently...
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02-06-2012, 04:50 PM,
#50
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(02-06-2012, 01:06 PM)1955Meg Wrote: Gag me with a spoon!
This practice is wide-spread all over the UK apparently...


Big Grin I love the immaturity of it all!
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02-06-2012, 07:37 PM,
#51
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
THE GUYS' RULES¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES"
From the female side.

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM.
SEE A DOCTOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA 'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

How the hell you supposed to sign a screen
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02-07-2012, 07:52 AM,
#52
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Rule #2 - about the toilet: we need it down for two functions (and for our period, too. Sorry if TMI) and males need it down for one function. The downs win. If you are willing to do the math!
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02-07-2012, 09:42 PM,
#53
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(02-07-2012, 07:52 AM)1955Meg Wrote: Rule #2 - about the toilet: we need it down for two functions (and for our period, too. Sorry if TMI) and males need it down for one function. The downs win. If you are willing to do the math!
What would be worse leaving it up all the time or down at all times the older we get the worse our aim is!! and yes toooooooooooooo much information
How the hell you supposed to sign a screen
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02-09-2012, 09:00 AM,
#54
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Reality hurts. Be stubborn if you wish, but you cannot deny the math.
Gotta say: there's nothing fun about sitting on the sprinkle or falling into the toilet bowl when someone leaves the seat up.
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02-09-2012, 12:45 PM,
#55
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(02-09-2012, 09:00 AM)1955Meg Wrote: falling into the toilet bowl when someone leaves the seat up.

Not sure about you, but if I need to sit, I always look first. That's just too funny if you don't and you fall in. Big Grin
That being said, in our house all seats get put down to keep the animals out.
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02-10-2012, 08:39 AM,
#56
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(I hate it when the animals come up through the toilet!)
(and yes, Peba, it was funny when I fell in....to someone else! The falling in part happens in the middle of the night when you have your eyes partly open (so as not to wake up completely) and the night light is low)
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02-11-2012, 01:12 AM,
#57
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
(02-10-2012, 08:39 AM)1955Meg Wrote: (I hate it when the animals come up through the toilet!)
(and yes, Peba, it was funny when I fell in....to someone else! The falling in part happens in the middle of the night when you have your eyes partly open (so as not to wake up completely) and the night light is low)

What's that you have party eye's and you are high!!
How the hell you supposed to sign a screen
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02-11-2012, 04:37 AM,
#58
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Imagine the scene,55 years ago a 5 year old Meg walks into the kitchen and says to her mother.

Mommy Mommy can I lick the bowl?



No flush like everyone else you dirty little girl.

Big Grin
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02-11-2012, 10:14 PM,
#59
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
Pervs: the lot of you!
Shame on you Dar - aging me by 5 extra years! Suddenly, I feel young!
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02-17-2012, 02:29 PM,
#60
RE: JOKES JOKES JOKES
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Mississippi but I worked both sides of the river !
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